Field Report – Wichita, Kansas – 02.13.10
The Burden Of Mulvane, Kansas
Nestled in the southern part of Kansas, relatively close to where the Westboro Baptist Church has been faithfully serving the King of Eternity – openly and notoriously – for 55 years, sits a little town called Mulvane, Kansas. Its population of about 5000 souls, primarily white people (the 9 black people identified in the latest census must get a little nervous around those red-necked, angry clods . just sayin’), with above average income, and Doomed- american-average levels of non-existent fidelity and overblown ‘pride’, has become famous for one thing. Throughout the nation, and indeed the world; and more importantly, throughout the eternity to come among the howling beasts inhabiting hell; the citizens of Mulvane, Kansas, will be well known and interacted with for one core and key attribute. That is to say, of all the iterations of their appearance, behavior, words and thoughts, a singular and critical element will define and describe them for all time.
You might say that’s a very important issue. You might say that if a group of people are going to take up a matter and put their time, energy, resource, strength and might into it, they should give that careful attention. You might say that if a community of souls come together and enter into an agreement to rally around a matter and become collectively engaged in that, they should consider the message it sends and the ramifications of their decision – upon themselves, their families, their leaders and their neighbors. You might say that if a town is going to rise up with one voice, and arm themselves with pitchforks, tar and feathers in order to effectively and clearly address a critical concern, they should take counsel and ensure that all are on board with the issue being addressed, the decision being arrived at, and the application of their solution. And certainly hearty stock of middle america would do just that; and did just that in this instance —- directly or indirectly, formally or informally, they joined their hearts and minds in the matter.
So — what is that critical issue upon which the collective 5000 souls of Mulvane, Kansas, achieved unanimity of spirit? It’s this: We must aggressively, clearly, effectively address the ministry of the Westboro Baptist Church. It’s a win-win on many levels, they reasoned: We get to revile those preachers to the north — who brought them in to judge us anyway?! We get to heap unto ourselves many accolades, the absence of which in our earlier days – as we returned from Viet Nam in embarrassing defeat – we still mourn. We get to travel about on our recreational vehicles and worship some of our most favorite idols (flags, libation, reckless driving) without the old ball-and-chain able to complain much. Yes – this is a moral imperative: We must take a stand; we must please men; and we must widely publish exactly what we are, which is the very picture painted in Jude 8: Likewise also these filthy dreamers defile the flesh, despise dominion, and speak evil of dignities. And we must give ourselves a snappy, marketable label — wham, bam, shazam: Patriot Guard is born!
Having made that decision, they sprung into action: they worked the phones; they hopped on their groaning motor bikes; they purchased an over-abundance of star-and-stripe cloth at all the Wal-Mart stores in the surrounding states; and they got very busy worshiping and serving their idols. They preyed upon the GodSmacked families of Doomed american military members who came home in body bags, which families are sniffing around for their own accolades and any other thing that will distract them from dealing with the reality that God has cursed them. They preyed upon the millions of idolaters across this nation who will buy their trinkets, give them free donuts, coffee, water, etc., to finance their self aggrandizing journeys, and otherwise express their pleasure.
But most perniciously, they preyed upon the little souls for which they had the duty to teach OBEDIENCE TO GOD, in their homes and in their town. Rather than take a slurp of shut-the-freak-up about your rebellion, and submit themselves to the commandments of their God, they steadily exercised the greatest cruelty of all: lying to their littles.
And so it came to be that two little girls, aged 4 and 3, who weren’t even born when the Patriot Guard plot was hatched, got to bear the burden of Mulvane, Kansas, on the early afternoon of Monday, February 8, 2010. At that time, God sent the fire to their home, where those little girls played in their bedroom and as their parents napped nearby and as their neighbors napped next door (what’s up with all those napping grownups on a Monday afternoon?! Mulvane, Kansas has – both literally and figuratively – sluggish watchmen!). Before any of those adults charged with keeping them safe and protected could do a thing except run away from the fire themselves, those little girls lay dead in the crumpled heap of the charred house falling in around them.
And so it was that the faithful watchers at Westboro Baptist Church traveled to cry aloud near the funeral service for those two little dead girls – speaking to those still living that came to attend or otherwise pass by, in solemn warning to FLEE the wrath to come – on the sunny winter afternoon of February 13, 2010. There were many grieving (and still rebelling, it appeared) attendees, but there was a painfully obvious absence: The Patriot Guard flag wavers — those adults who had led that community to its place of shame and cursing — were not there. Reflecting on that absence, I concluded it was probably one or more of these reasons:
a. There was an important football game to pile up and booze up and watch at that time.
b. Those dead girls had not served in the military, so did not deserve the time or energy of those vain glorious compliment hounds.
c. The fart guard members were in a litigation strategy session, in order to elongate their internal dispute over who gets the credit for hatching this beast and – more importantly – how are we going to get some more donations up in here to fund that fight.
d. The fart guard members were busy studying on the latest Westboro Baptist Church song of parody written for their learning . which goes like this . sing along now (to the tune of “Jingle Bells”): 
Dashing off to sin
With your bloody flags
Lots of dead bodies
God sends them home in bags.
God kills your boys and girls
You scream and cry in pain
Do all you can to piss God off
He answers with more slain!