OPEN LETTER TO RONNIE JAMES DIO

RONNIE,

HOW’S HELL? HOT I BET. HOW’S THAT NAME CHANGE WORKING OUT FOR YOU? YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU RENAMED YOURSELF ‘GOD’ IN ITALIAN? SO CLEVER, YOU WERE. REMEMBER? ADORED BY MILLIONS OF HEAD-BANGERS THE WORLD OVER - LAUDED FOR YOUR ABILITY TO ELUCIDATE IN SONG WHAT THE REBELLIOUS TURDS ALL FELT BUT COULD NOT FRAME NEARLY AS ELOQUENTLY AS YOU COULD. YOU SPOKE FOR THEM - THEY ALL IDENTIFIED WITH YOU - THEY ALL ADORED YOU. YOU HELPED MAKE REBELLION AGAINST THE GOD OF ETERNITY AN ART FORM, AND WERE ABLE TO CASH IN ON IT.

HOW’S THAT FAME TREATING YOU NOW? HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO BUY A DROP OF WATER WITH ALL OF YOUR WEALTH TO COOL YOUR TONGUE IN THE UNQUENCHABLE FIRES OF HELL? NO? BUMMER. SEE ANY OF YOUR FANS DOWN THERE, DID YA? THEY ALL STILL SINGING YOUR PRAISES? NO? NAH, I BET NOT. A LITTLE PISSED OFF AT YOU, AREN’T THEY? I MEAN, YOU’RE KIND OF TO BLAME, REALLY, AREN’T YA, RONNIE? THEY LOOKED UP TO YOU - THEY HUNG ON YOUR EVERY LYRIC - YOUR EVERY WORD IN ‘KERRANG!’ MAGAZINE INTERVIEWS. ALL OF THE HUNDREDS OF PERFORMANCE PHOTOS THAT NEIL ZLOZOWER TOOK OF YOU HUNG ON THEIR BEDROOM WALLS. THEY IDOLIZED YOU, RONNIE. THEY REACHED OUT AT YOUR SHOWS, AS THE BASS THUMPED LOW AND HARD, AND THE LIGHTS PULSED TO THE DRONING, STEADY BEAT OF THE DRUMS - TO TOUCH YOUR THIN, SWEATY, OUTSTRETCHED HAND. OH, IF THEY COULD ONLY TOUCH YOU - YOU WERE A GOD TO THEM. NOT SO MUCH NOW, HUH?

THE CURSING MUST BE DEAFENING. YOU HAD THE MICROPHONE, RONNIE. THEY WERE ALL LISTENING. DID YOU EVER ONCE - ONCE - TELL THEM THE TRUTH? THE TRUTH, RONNIE - NOT YOUR HOMESPUN, DARK-HEARTED, COFFEE SHOP PHILOSOPHY! THE TRUTH! THAT THERE IS A GOD, THAT HE HAS A STANDARD, THAT THERE IS A HEAVEN, A HELL, AND THAT THOSE WHO DISOBEY GOD’S STANDARD IN THIS LIFE AND DIE IN AN UNREPENTANT STATE GO TO HELL - AND SPEND ETERNITY THERE - WHERE THEIR WORM NEVER DIES AND THEIR FIRE IS NEVER QUENCHED. IT ALL SEEMS PRETTY MANIFEST NOW, I’LL BET. PRETTY PLAIN STUFF. I JUST WONDER, RONNIE - WAS IT ALL WORTH IT? I WONDER HOW MUCH OF YOUR FAME, FORTUNE AND PHILANDERING (WHICH ARE ALL NOW LONG GONE TO YOU) WOULD YOU TRADE IN RETURN FOR JUST ONE DROP OF WATER NOW? ALL OF IT, I BET. YEAH.

HEY RONNIE? IF YOU COULD SEND A MESSAGE TO ALL YOUR FANS WHO HAVE NOT YET JOINED YOU IN THAT PLACE OF ETERNAL TORMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? WOULD IT BE TO IGNORE EVERYTHING YOU SAID IN YOUR LIFE AND INSTEAD GET A BIBLE, READ IT AND BE WARNED OF GOD OF THE TRUTH? WOULD IT BE TO FEAR GOD AND KEEP HIS COMMANDMENTS? WOULD IT BE TO LISTEN TO THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH? NO? OH, THAT’S RIGHT - YOU STILL HATE GOD, YOU STILL DESPISE HIS WORD, YOU’RE STILL CONTEMPTUOUS OF HIS PEOPLE. BUT ARE YOU STILL OF THAT MINDSET, RONNIE, AS YOU WERE IN YOUR BRIEF LIFE ON EARTH, TO FRIVOLOUSLY PROCLAIM, “IF FRED PHELPS IS GOING TO HEAVEN, THEN I WANT TO GO TO HELL?”  WOW. TALK ABOUT A CONUNDRUM.

WE TOLD PEOPLE, AT YOUR FUNERAL, RONNIE, THAT YOU WERE IN HELL. WE TOLD THEM OUT OF LOVE FOR THEM, NOT TO LISTEN TO YOU OR FOLLOW THE EXAMPLE YOU OFFERED. WE TOLD THEM THAT YOU ‘PIED PIPERED’ MILLIONS OF SOULS TO HELL, AND THAT YOUR MUSIC AND YOUR MEMORY WOULD CONTINUE TO DO SO. YOUR FANS, RONNIE, ARE GOING TO CONTINUE TO JOIN YOU - TO CURSE YOU - FOR FAILING YOUR FELLOW MAN IN YOUR BRIEF LIFE, IN THAT YOU LIED TO THEM, TAUGHT THEM REBELLION, AND TOLD THEM THAT GOD IS A LIAR. LOOKS LIKE GOD MADE GOOD ON HIS PROMISES IN YOUR CASE, DIDN’T HE RONNIE?